Ok guys and girls this is my story so far its unfinished quite rough but its about all im got up to I dont wanna rush it cause it might end up crap and i dont wanna destroy something ive worked so hard on (btw this is the piece of writing ive done in 5years).
6 comments:
High above the Arathi Mountains a small group of horde are making their way back to Undercity to gather supplys and prepare for their next journey.While walking along the road Mojo(shaman) says:
"hey Mon' we may wanna get off the road soon. A band of ogres be using the ruins ahead as a base camp"
So as the horde are arragent not stupid they leave the road and start wmaking their own way.
Meanwhile with the alliance...
After killing the Great Blood God Hakkar they decide that they need to resupply so they ask the mage to make them a portal to Stormwind city.SO the mage reminds them its his last reagent and summons the portal and they all step through.
Back at the horde while trugging through the snow they come across a cave which after a bit of arguing they decide to rest in to warm up. After a little while Mooki gets bored and decides to wander off to explore the rest of the cave, only to discover that the cave is much bigger then he orginally thought. After a while of stumbling aroud in the dark Mooki finds himself walking into the bak of a building. As he makes his way to the front of the building he notices that the light in the building was getting brighter and brighter only to get to the front on the building and see that it opened up into a Huge Basin(valley). Upon discovering this he decides the best thing to do is report bak to the others.
Back at the alliance they find themselves in an unfamiliar rooms and the mage says in a awkward tone:
"o-Oh"
"What do you mean O-oh?" replyd the pally.
"Well you see, I think when we killed Hakkar the energy released must of disrupted the portal sending us here"said the mage
"So where the Fucks HERE?" snapped the priest.
"Ummmmm, well to be honest i have no fucking clue" says the mage.
"Well thats just Fucking great aint it"crys the hunter.
"Quit Your Bitching its Aint Helping"the pally replys
"So where to next?"asks the Rogue.
"We'll spilt up into three groups and scout out the area and report bak here once when we're done the groups will be me and (mage) south east, (Rogue) and (Priest) south and (hunter) you check the east" says the pally in a commanding tone.
"Why im i the one to have to go by myself?"whinged the hunter.
"one you have a pet and two you so uber" said the pally mockingly.
"NOW MOVE OUT"she commanded.
At the same time the horde found themselves standing at the front door of the newly founded base camp(the building). They thought it would be best to scout out the area.
"Mooki You follow the road to the north.Jo you and (lock)go west and me and Mojo will search to the NorthWest, Move Out" the warrior commanded.
(Scene will keep changing through the differant groups just chatting to each other)(mooki and Chuck will be talking to themselves and maybe whistling)
As each group appprouch their destination they notice figures in the distance.As the groups get closer the come to relise that its a group of the opposing faction.
At LM the (ally Rogue) slips into stealth and the (ally priest) stays back for abit meanwhile the.....
the (horde Lock) starts casting fear on the priest and the (horde priest) stays bak to heal the lock if he needs it. meanwhile the rogue snuck up behind the priest and sap him then move over to the lock and started unleashing everything hes gt but the lock cast howl of terror sending the rogue running in fear while having damage causing spells. after a while both teams decide to make a tactical withdraw.
At BS (warrior)and Mojo thought a more diplomatic approch would be best.
"what the hell are you's doing here?" yells the mage.
"What are you on about? we dont even know where yea are." says the pally.
"what did the poor whittle alliance get lost?" says the warrior.
"HEU STFU GREENSK-"yells the mage.
"No we're not lost how we got here is none of your concern.But would we would like to know is where we are." says the pally cutting the mage off.
"why shouldnt we just kill you where you stand"the warrior says.
"and what would that achieve?" replys the pally.
"It would make my day a hell of alot better" the warrior says.
"Look i dont care if your got some grudge against us i just want to get my team home safely we are out of supplys and stuck here just tell us where we are and we'll leave you be and if you still want to kill us tomorrow then come find us and well settle this." says the pally.
"Mojo tell them were u think we r"says the warrior.
"From what i cn tell we somewhere in the the arathi mountains mon'" said Mojo.
"thanks we shall we leave you now" replys the pally.
thats all i have at the monent i hope its ok il add more as i come up with it sorry it isnt more.
Hey man,
Well since we have to write out so many words for the comments I guess I will have to do the word nit-picky grammar stuff. In the end I hope it helps improve your story.
Anyway I like the story.
I'll start off with some comments on the story and then at the end move onto the grammar stuff. I don't really like doing grammar critique as it pisses people off.
Story Critique:
Could you describe the characters more? I can see the basic outline defined by the class and general game stigma associated with those classes; however it would be nice to know what they look like.
If possible write about the scenery a little bit, tell us if the mountains have snow on them? If they are jagged mountains or flatten out to a plateau? The shape of the cave? If it’s a limestone cave, does it have stalactites/stalagmites etc?
At the start you say they are "High above the Arathi Mountains", so where are they? In the clouds or on some other mountains above the Arathi Mountains? If they are meant to be in the mountains, maybe put something like: "High in the Arathi Mountain passes...”
What's a "lock", a horde creature, a class type, is that it's full name?
What does "LM" and "BS" stand for? I could think of numerous meanings for either, but let us know what they mean in your fanfic.
Maybe when Mooki walks into the back of a building have him smack his head or walk into the wall as you seem to have painted the picture that it's so dark that he's stumbling about.
Grammar Critique:
[Let me know what you reckon about what I say here. I hope it doesn't feel like a roasting. Sorry in advance if you take offence]
Not-so-nit-picky:
I have found generally that if you are doing a third person narrative that it is best to write the story in past tense. Depends on your writing style I guess.
However you have flicked between tenses throughout the story so it can be a little strange to read.
Grammar Advice:
You’re using a computer man, copy and paste that stuff into word and spell/grammar check it after you've written it, then paste it back and it will turn out reasonable.
Spelling:
While I won't go overboard, some of the spelling to be aware of,
trugging = trudging
arragent = arrogant
bak = back
(I know you know, just be careful when writing in narrative with this. It's all good in speech as it can emphasize pronunciation, but do the spell/grammar check in word when possible and it will keep text-speak out of the narrative)
Sorry about this getting a little long, hope your all good for reading it.
you did make some good point`s but somethings i have already gotta down in other post like BS and LM on the map they are markd BS (blacksmith) and LM(lumber mill)
or GM(goldmine) the only other main locations other then the bases are Stables and the Farm.
btw thank you for the spelling asistance as im a pheonetic speller.=)
Post a Comment